Toddlers can be horrible creatures, and hard-pressed mum Bunmi Laditan made a name for herself in 2012 with The Honest Toddler: A Child’s Guide to Parenting, based on her youngest child.
In her follow-up book Toddlers Are A**holes, the Canadian writer has taken a realistic and expletive-laden poke at those bad-tempered drooling little creatures, reserving some of her bile for the people she blames for their bad behaviour… five types of parents.
1The Overly Competitive Parent
If your Facebook page is all humblebrags, you might be an overly competitive a**hole parent. If you are constantly oneupping (“Oh, your toddler is finally talking? Mine just finished War and Peace”), you might be an overly competitive a**hole parent. For s***’s sake. Calm the **** down about EVERYTHING. This parent believes that her child is an extension of her very fragile ego. Anything can be a sport with this a**hole: whose kid is eating the healthiest, whose kid is going to the best school, whose kid is the funniest, whose kid is the cutest, whose kid was born the quickest, whose kid was born with the least amount of white stringy stuff all over their body, you name it. You are a mess of a parent if you’re making your child compete in the Parental Olympics 24/7.
2The Crazy Crunchy Parent
We get it. The world is teeming with toxins and we’re all full of tumours and dying if we don’t follow whatever special diet you’re on this week. Vaccines are straight bleach, breastfeeding is the only way to go, formula is the Devil’s semen, regular school is for future dog rapists, plastic bottles will give your kids eye gonorrhea, and you have all the answers. Thank you for the hourly Facebook links from obscure websites that back up your claims. We appreciate it. Thanks for picking apart our meals and life-styles with your passive-aggressive comments.
Look, we know you’re not all wrong, but you make living a nat ural life look like about as much fun as joining a cult, so we ignore you. P.S. Shut the **** up.
3The Fake Perfect Parent
If you can’t share an image of your family online without editing it in Photoshop first, you fall into this category. It really is unnecessary to digitally whiten your threeyear-old’s baby teeth. This parent is dedicated to sharing her crafts, balanced meals, clutter-free living room, and vacation photos so that everyone knows just how wonderful everything is all the time. Her kid’s designer wardrobe cost more than your car. Her favorite hashtag is “#soblessed.”
4The ‘This Is Easy’ Parent
This parent is one of the worst offenders. His motto is “Isn’t this fun?” This parent says annoying things like “Every moment is a gift” and “Oh, well!” God loves this person more than any of us and gave him a very easy, awesome child who loves raw vegetables, sleeping through the night, and being respectful even though you know for a fact that this parent didn’t teach the kid these things. “She just came out like that!” is the response this f*****r parent gives when you point out that he has a very easy child. Meanwhile your kid is eating sand by the handful at the park. Don’t spend too much time with this parent or you might harm him.
5Special Little Snowflake Parent
This parent is convinced that their little Daisy or Johnny is not a mere mortal but a deity. You can spot these parents by their endless gushing about how wonderful their spawn is and how everything their kid does or thinks is not only developmentally well above average but genius. If these people could boil down their child’s urine and inject it to get high, they would. When you look at their kid, you see a kid; they see Zeus, Poseidon, and all the Greek gods clad in 3T jeans. The only thing these a**wipes want to talk about is how gifted their child is and what their child painted last week and how wonderfully he’s doing in his baby philharmonic orchestra blah, blah, blah. Don’t expect them to show any interest in your rat-faced commoner of a child.
Visit www.thehonesttoddler.com and @HonestToddler.