Five Lies You Tell Before the 12 Week Scan


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That thing about time flying when you have a baby isn’t a cliché you know. Well, okay, it is a cliché but it’s absolutely bob on which somewhat alleviates the disappointment at having trotted out such a well-worn phrase. What I’m essentially trying to say is that Elsa is now 20 weeks old and that has absolutely flown by in a haze of tears, puke and dirty nappies; some of which were hers.

(Now there’s your cliché).

It doesn’t seem five minutes since we had this amazing secret that we didn’t want to jinx by telling anyone until the twelve week scan confirmed that all was well but it was actually this time last year! I’ve already written a blog about one of the lies that we told in order to hide the pregnancy but let me note some more down that you may well have peddled too if you’ve ever been in that same situation.

5. “Why’s she vomiting into her hat? Umm…too much Campari last night.”

You could have said stomach bug, you should have said stomach bug but, no, you decided to portray the love of your life who is carrying the most precious cargo of all, as little more than a feckless lush (how much of a feckless lush she was before pregnancy may dictate the effectiveness of this lie of course).

Also…Campari rather than simply wine or beer? This is a symptom of the fact that, if you’re no good at or not used to lying, it’s easy to mistake excessive detail for believability. I had a housemate at university who would never simply claim a bad cold was the reason that he’d missed a lecture, there’d always be some complicated tale including road closures and bear traps and suchlike.

There’s always another trick, of course. Have a read of this blog post for more details on the evils of fake wine.

Morning sickness

4. “I’m choosing to spend this whole sweltering, beautiful weekend decorating because I love it. Yes, I really enjoy DIY”

Well, that’s clearly not true.

3. “Sushi? No, she can’t stand it”

See also pâté, blue cheese, shellfish and every other food that your other half has always formerly waxed lyrical about. As your friends confusedly doubt everything they ever thought they knew, this is a good time to run away and avoid further questioning.

2. “No, we’ve not really thought about having kids just yet”

We were asked on more than one occasion during this time whether we were planning on starting a family and I’m sure it’s not just us that have experienced that particular brand of awkwardness.

What happens next is furious debate on the way home about whether that means the question asker has been entirely hoodwinked by your cunning mask of deceit or if they have an inkling that you are expecting and were trying to catch you out.

Either way you tend to spend most of the first three months suspecting that everyone suspects you’re being suspect. It’s like being in a Bourne film. The Bourne Impregnation. Or, better, The Born Impregnation. You get the idea.

1. “No we can’t come on your incredibly dangerous potholing expedition followed by an afternoon of parachuting because…um…you repulse me and I can’t stand to spend a minute in your company”

Actually I’d be willing to proffer this reply whether Jill was pregnant or not. You can always make new friends, right?

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